Christmas 2020

So I spent a pandemic Christmas, that is all on my own, and it turned out well.

I was tempted to basically ignore it and then decided that I would make the effort to actually celebrate the season.  

I made a point of watching my favourite Christmas movies:

Christmas in Connecticut

The Bishops Wife (with Loretta Young, Cary Grant, David Niven)

It's a Wonderful Life

The Alistair Sim version of A Christmas Carol (1951)

The Family Stone

and my first choice:  The Holly and the Ivy (1952).  (I don't know why this wonderful film isn't more famous).

I listened to Christmas music, I put up decorations and I made the effort to cook a full Christmas dinner even though it was just for me. I looked at photos of Christmases past.  On Christmas day I contacted friends to wish them well.

And it was a lovely time and now I don't feel like I missed out on anything at all by being alone.

 

Several years ago, when I had a few weeks between selling one condo and getting possession of my new one, I stayed in a residential hotel in a furnished unit with a kitchen but no laundry.

I put almost everything, including most of my clothing, into temporary storage.  I lived for those weeks with two pairs of pants, two shirts, two pairs of socks, two sets underwear and a pair of jeans. Every night after work I washed one set of shirt, socks and underwear and hung them in the shower to dry.  On the weekend when there was no housekeeping in the unit I washed one pair of pants on Friday evening, and the other pair on Saturday evening.

Doing that for those weeks, making simple meals in the small kitchen, having almost nothing around me that I owned,  I was really so happy.

TP

 

I grew up with parents who lived through the Depression and a world war with rationing and our household was always very conscious of waste of any kind and there was always a stock of supplies (like toilet paper) in the house.

I wonder if all of us going through this pandemic will for the rest of our lives always be sure to have a stock of things like toilet paper in our homes.

Size

 

I needed new undershirts so I bought two three-packs from two different brands.

One set is a perfect fit, the other is too large.  I measured from the neck seam to the shoulder seam and there is a 1 inch difference between the two brands.  Underarm seam to bottom there is a 2 inch difference.

Does "size" on packaging mean nothing at all?

How do you decide what to buy when things are in sealed packaging and you can't try them on?

Also:  These shirts say "100% cotton" but the fabric feels totally different than the "100% cotton" fabric on my older t-shirts.  What's going on?

White Noise

 

Judging by the number of white noise, brown noise, pink noise, rainfall, storm, blizzard, airplane and many other sound postings available to listen to on YouTube, I am far far from the only one bothered by annoying noise from their fucking neighbours.  And I do not mean noise because they're having sex.

 

This morning I was walking down the sidewalk and came upon this woman with two huge dogs, standing talking to someone and blocking the entire sidewalk.  I stepped onto some leaves beside the sidewalk on top of what I though was a lawn but turned out to be some sort of hole with a pipe in it.  I twisted my foot and almost fell down.  

I get so fed up with these inconsiderate dog people who go around smiling and seem to think that everyone finds their dogs as fascinating as they do.

I wish this stupid fad for dogs downtown would soon end.

Also this morning I saw someone at Yonge and Bloor walking a husky.  By what mental process does anyone come to think that having a HUSKY in the downtown of a city is a reasonable thing to do?

Fast Food Whining

Today I ordered a ham+turkey sub at Subway.  So she proceeds to make a ham sub.  And as always, I say nothing, just accept it, and seethe inwardly for a while.  

Do I not speak clearly or do people just not listen?

I love the order terminals at MacDonalds where you don't have to deal with a person except to pick up your order.  If you don't order the right thing it's clearly your own fault.

The second last time I was at Swiss Chalet they messed up my order, which I didn't find out until I got home and opened the bag.  The last time I was at Swiss Chalet the fries were so dry they seemed like they were leftover from the day before and reheated.

I shouldn't be eating fast food anyway.

Also, why do so many fast good places not have menus up where you can see them?  It's like they assume everyone goes to them so often they have the menu memorized.  If you're an occasional customer you're lost.

Over

It's over.  I've been eating brown rice for years because it's healthier.

I've never liked it and I'm fed up with making myself eat something I don't like.

So it's back to lovely white rice.

Netflix: Rebecca

Oh dear.  They tried, really really hard.  But.

It just doesn't work.  Everyone tries but Lily James and Armie Hammer, although good actors generally, here just leave you not caring.(Lily James is also way too old and adult for the role, she can't pass for a "young girl".)  At times it's overwrought - the fault of the writing/directing, not the actors. Kirsten Scott Thomas on the other hand is the only one who seems to know what to do with her role.  Also, what's with the wardrobe for Lily James in the Monte Carlo scenes, how did she afford all those outfits?

The 1997 version with Emilia Fox, Charles Dance and Diana Rigg was better although not really great.

The 1979 version with Joanna David (Emilia Fox's mother), Jeremy Brett and Anna Massey was a worthy production and well worth watching.  

But 1940 version by Alfred Hitchcock with Joan Fontaine, Laurence Olivier and Judith Anderson is just so well done that you wonder why anyone bothers to even try to do a remake.  Maybe because the 1979 version did work so well.  

TV: The Sinner, Season 3

I liked this and largely not because of the storyline, but that was fine.

Bill Pullman gave a solid performance, as always, but Matt Bomer was a standout.

What I really liked were the ideas about philosophy, education, how people influence others, religion,  how we perceive death - and how dangerous all these things can be in some circumstances.

Movie: Hold the Dark (2018)

Sometimes I like "unusual" movies but I like them to be fathomable.  This one wasn't, even after doing a search and reading some reviews.

The scenery was beautiful at times and a sequence later in the film involving an airplane was just beautiful, almost worth watching the whole film to see it.

The cast was just ok, with the exception of James Badge Dale who gave an outstanding subtle performance.

Dog Genetics

I heard a report this morning on the genetics of playfulness in dogs.  It seems most of the types of dogs we have were bred in the lasts few hundred years.  The most playful dogs are working dogs that interact with people.  The least playful are the small toy dogs that were bred as fashion accessories.  

Too bad they hadn't bred the nasty little things to shut up.

I am old.  I find myself reacting like "old" people did when I was young in the 1960's, disapproving of fashion.   The latest is when I see women wearing leotards on the street and my immediate response is along the lines of, "Oh my god, she forgot to put a skirt on before she came outdoors."

TV: Agatha Raisin Season Three

The stories are fun, the cast is fine but unfortunately they have turned the Agatha character from a somewhat irascible self-centered but still charming eccentric into a full blown unlikable shrill harridan.

I can remember vividly the feeling, many years ago when I was a student and living on a tight budget, watching a full jar of Cheese Whiz fall and shatter on the floor and realizing that I had just dropped the basis of "cheese" sandwiches for lunch for the next two weeks.

What would possess anyone to think that putting cayenne pepper in a lovely delicate thing like cheddar cheese shortbread is a good idea?

Books, movies, tv :  I really dislike flashbacks

Netfilx: TV: Signs

I did not enjoy this, in the main because I just did not like the characters.

I would spare Ada's husband and Maria's mother but I would have been happy to see all the other main characters killed off in the final episode.

Also the final episode left things ready for another season (which I believe is coming to Netflix) but I most likely will not watch.

Another problem was that the "reveal" at the end was so brief and shadowy that I had to search around on Google to confirm what I thought I had seen.

Netflix: TV: Flowers

This is a British series about an eccentric British family, as only the British can be eccentric.

The first season really grabbed my attention and led to a lovely and moving final episode.

The second season was eccentric beyond even my tolerance, but again the final episode was good, although it left things unresolved.

I checked on Wikipedia and it does not look like there will be a third season.

July 29, 2020

It's hard to believe that July is almost over.  In some ways it seems like a long time that I've been distancing yet at the same time it feels like a week.

Over the last several years as I've aged into my seventies I've often found myself remembering incidents and whole periods from my past.  Some things that I regret, more so in what I did or didn't do for other people than in decisions I made about myself.  Some things that I'm proud of, moments when I stood up for something, or picked the hard but "right" choice, or was simply kind.

But just in these last few days I've been thinking back about the person I was at various times in my life, which tends to feel almost like someone else.  And when I do look at that person I'm feel such compassion for him, for what he was and for how difficult it was for him to deal with the world, how overwhelmed he often was, how lonely, how hard he was trying.  I would just like to be able to give him a hug and not so much tell him that it would be all right but that he would survive and that someone understood.

In many ways that person is still me.  I still find it difficult to cope with the world and unfamiliar situations, I'm still very socially awkward, still largely alone.  The big difference is that I am retired and don't have to face going into a job and coping with supervisors and co-workers and all the other difficulties of the workplace - and while I have health issues they are all currently under control.  Also, I no longer torture myself with doubts about whether I'm doing the right things or if I'm wasting my life.  

Overwhelmed

I don't have enough time in the day.

I spend time with podcasts, and reading, and Great Courses, and Netflix and other video material, and internet news etc.

Somehow I have to squeeze in cooking and grocery shopping and laundry and housework.

How did I ever hold down a fulltime job for all those years?

Re Netflix

I've had Netflix for two months now so the novelty has worn off and I think I pretty much know how I will be using it going forward.

I had expected far more movies, at least movies that I actually want to watch, than there are.

There is far less gay content than I had hoped.

I have very little interest anymore in science fiction (20 years ago I would have been thrilled with all there is on offer). 

I have no interest in shows about people with supernatural powers, or superpowers in general.  Or magic.  Or time travel.  

I don't much care about sex comedies.

I like murder mysteries but not spy stories or secret government agencies or violent vigilantes.

The Nordic countries seem to do the best job of creating these.  

I wish they would do series based on one year at time.  I hate cliffhangers, especially when it turns out they don't do the next season and you never know what happens.  Doing more than one season is ok, but I prefer it when each season is it's own story - things can carry over from a previous season but each season should be complete in itself.  

Movie: Lazy Eye (2016)

Just a lovely low-budget (I assume) independent (I assume) film about two grown-up gay men.  No melodrama, no hysterics.

Everything was done well - acting, directing, writing, camera.

10 out of 10

Confession

I confess.

I'm not particularly unhappy about social isolation.  It is 14 weeks today since I saw a friend in person and I'm enjoying having this time completely to myself.

It's not that I don't like my friends or that I never want to see them again.  I'm an introvert and I have always enjoyed time on my own and this long run of it has been pretty wonderful.

One thing I have found is that not going out to restaurants and preparing almost all my own food has led to very few problems with my usually very touchy gut.

I also have not been drinking at all.

Usually getting together with friends involves drinks and meals and I always have problems trying to find plain food on restaurant menus.  I usually have one drink while others have several and then they have wine with their meal so by the end of the evening I'm sober and they're not and I'm stuck listing to their under the influence conversation.  And often I'm left with just water while they're "sipping" their last glass of wine for what feels like hours.

I'm never really comfortable being out in the world surrounded by people.  It's always such a relief to get home.  

So while I would never wish a pandemic on the world for me a least there's an upside.

Neither a Borrower or Lender Be

I am in most ways a minimalist.  Possessions and design.  Including travel and "experiences" - I read so many things about people being minimalists so they can travel - that's fine but I think travel can be overdone too.

But that's not what I started out to write about.

Another thing I see minimalists saying is to borrow things rather than buy them.   That can work between some people but in my experience things that I have lent to others have generally never been returned.  Including one case in which a "friend" borrowed a very expensive almost new item and then immediately cut off all contact with me and never returned it.  

Or things are returned damaged or showing great signs of wear and tear.

Nor am I perfect.  I recall once being asked by a friend to return something they said I had borrowed quite a while before.  I swore to them that I didn't have it and in fact had never borrowed it - and I was being totally honest, I had no memory of it at all.  Then months later I was looking for something and came across the item.  I returned the item and made an abject apology both for keeping it so long and for having forgotten it and denied borrowing it and for not making an immediate effort to look for it when they asked.  That was all well but the friendship was never the same and eventually ended.

When I still had many many books I used to hate it when people would even look at my bookshelves because it would so often lead to a request to "borrow" and "I always return books I borrow".  I often wished I could have a separate room where I could lock the door and never let anyone in.  Now I have very few books which of course means they have been selected for their personal meaning to me so they are even more valuable to me.  I keep them on the bottom two shelves of bookcase in the bedroom and no one recently has made the effort to bend down to check them out.

I try to use my own things or make do or buy what I need.  If I do borrow something I am very careful with it and return it as soon as possible.  I'm just not comfortable being a borrower or a lender.

June 18

As a project during distancing I have been working my way through my CD collection, listening to one a day.  I estimate there are 150-200 of them.

I used to listen to music all the time.  If I wasn't watching TV there was usually classical music playing although most of my CD's are cabaret singers.  Now I find I rarely have music on and there are times when I find it totally annoying.

Now I mainly have white noise or drone type things on to try block out the background noises created by my thoughtless neighbours.

Listening so far I've found that some are much as I remember, some I find awful and I may discard them, and some are far better.

As I do this I wonder if this will be the last time I ever listen to many of them.

I don't regret buying them because at the time they meant something to me and I enjoyed them.

TV: 13 Reasons Why

The storylines were of course pretty unbelievable but the characters were what caught my attention and what kept me watching through 4 seasons, even though after each season ended I said I wouldn't watch the next.

The final episode had me sobbing.  It certainly worked dramatically and yes, life is often unfair and I suppose that was the purpose of doing what they did.  But still...

Someone once asked me if I believed in reincarnation and I said I hoped not since that would mean I'd have to go through high school again.

And.  The very final scene was prefect.

June 8 ,2020

So, week three and they're still doing damn renovations.  Today it's been on and off but when it's on it sounds like they're trying to drill through my walls.

I can't complain to my friends about the noise because they're all sick of hearing me complain about noise.

I know that I'm hypersensitive to noise but knowing that does not mean that it upsets me any less when I'm forced to be exposed to it.   I also know there's nothing I can do about it and there's no place I can go except death to be free of it, but again, doesn't mean it bothers me any less.

I went for a walk to be away from it for a bit.  I walked as much as I could where there was greenery and it was so wonderful to be near trees, but I couldn't stop and just sit because -- pandemic, people.

I returned the items I had out from the library but I won't be borrowing anything physical for the duration.  There are lots of ebooks available and I have Netflix now.

I stopped and got takeout fish+chips on the way home, the first time I've had takeout since lockdown started.  It was "white fish" and there was something about the texture that I just didn't like and I ended up eating the batter but discarding the fish.  The fries were OK and the cole slaw was delicious.  My stomach problems have been much reduced during the last 12 weeks when I've been relying on my own meal preparation.

In all honestly I'm not missing seeing people much at all.  I'm in touch with friends but I find too many and too long phone calls annoying.  With email and social media I have more control over when and how much time I spend with "others". 

May 27

Jesus Christ!

We're in the middle of a pandemic and the building is full of people stuck in their units and some shit is doing renovations and making hammering and drilling noises.

What kind of subhuman self-centered selfish asshole does something like that to their neighbours?

What a prick!

May 8, 2020

While there are times when I'm worried or frustrated overall, as an introvert, I'm quite content at home.

Then there are days like today when looking ahead I know I don't have to go out or see anyone or deal with anything for days on end and I feel so so happy and content.

May 6, 2020 #2

So, aside from usual clunks from my neighbours and people in other units banging their damn doors shut now there are people down in the drive under my windows playing bloody frisbee.

It wouldn't be a problem but they keep dropping it and I can hear that throughout my unit, and it's warm enough that I really need to have windows open.  

(Once the AC is turned on for the season I will run it non-stop until it is switched off in the fall and never have the windows open.)

Two of them are middle-aged men with gray hair tied up in ponytails.  I hate men in ponytails at any age but in middle age or older it is just ridiculous.

I fucking hate human beings.

May 6, 2020

I'm a terrible person I guess but people have been calling me and I should be grateful for friends but I really don't feel like talking talking talking.

I like email and OCCASIONAL texts where it doesn't take up too much time.  I'm busy and don't have enough hours in the day for reading and podcasts and chores let alone Netflix.

I'm all too good at isolating myself.

May 4, 2020

Time goes on.  "They" say that the curve is flattening and some things are being allowed to open up, a bit, but when I see the daily statistics I can't help but feel that it's too soon and we should wait a little longer.

I understand how bad this is for businesses, especially small ones, but having the case load rise again is worse.  However, that is not up to me to decide, all I can do is try to isolate myself as much as possible.  I wear a mask whenever I go out now but I would like to find someplace where I can buy more.  I prefer a medical type mask to a cloth one since I don't think the cloth ones really do all that much good, although I grant that they're better than none at all.

I finally subscribed to Netflix last week so I have no shortage of video material.  I am a bit worried that I'm going to be doing little or no reading but I hope that is a short term thing.

Mentally I'm fine.  I'm introverted and while I enjoy having online contact with people I'm not bothered by not seeing them in person.

I've had one doctor's appointment turned into a phone consultation and another one postponed until August and I'm glad since they both would have involved going the doctor's office in a hospital.

April 21

I had a call last night from a friend who is finding social distancing very difficult.  He is getting out for walks and food but is missing seeing people.

I have to admit that while I find keeping in touch with people by telephone or the internet is important to me that I do not mind not seeing people in person.  At least so far.

I'm actually rather relieved that I don't have to get together with people and sit around chatting or go out to a restaurant and sit at the end of the meal waiting for the others to finally be ready to leave and go home.

I was an only child and my parents were not very social people.

As an adult I've lived on my own since I left home.

There were many periods in my life where I came home after work on Friday and did not leave again until Monday morning.

So in many ways my life under this lockdown is not all that much different from my life before.

I'm apprehensive when I'm out to shop or walk but during my time alone at home I'm quite content.

April 18

I was out to a grocery store this morning.

This afternoon I was tidying up and realized that one of my gloves was missing.  I'm sure I was wearing it when I came back into the building but stopped to use hand sanitizer and I was dealing with two grocery bags so I imagine I dropped it at that point.  I went and checked the hallways and the lobby but no luck.

These are gloves that were given to me by a former friend around 50 years ago and I've worn them off and on since.  I guess I assumed they would be with me for the rest of my life.

So I'm feeling such a sense of loss.

Isn't that silly?  In the middle of a pandemic I'm mourning the loss of a glove.

April 16.

I'm getting so comfortable being alone in my condo and not having to deal with world except remotely.  In a way I almost dread having to go back to the outside world.  I'm only going out for groceries or to take the recycling down once a week.  I'm not going for walks anymore because there are just too many people not making the effort to keep their distance.  It would be nice to see my friends but at the same time I feel relieved that I don't have to bother going to a restaurant and trying to find something on the menu that my fussy gut will tolerate.

I'm sorry that I'm going to miss seeing a lot of plants coming out.  One of favourite things is watching life return to the world in spring.  I find that brief period where the trees just have a faint green tinge of new leaves budding out very beautiful.

One problem with staying in is that I have to put up with the various clunks and bangs that I hear from the various neighbours.  It could be worse but at times it sends me into a startle response which I'm sure isn't good for my heart condition.   From morning until late evening I usually have multiple white noise machines, fans etc running.  I often leave them all on when I'm watching tv and use  headphones so that I can hear the audio.

I've worn a mask the last two times I've been to the grocery store but I have only a few of them.  I don't think I have the materials or the patience to sew a washable one, and I'm not at all convinced that they're that much good anyway.  The masks I have have been sitting in the closet for 30 years since my late father was on home kidney dialysis and the kidney center didn't want any open boxes of supplies returned.

April 10

I was out for a walk and a stop at a nearby convenience store yesterday.  Only canned corn in the vegetable aisle, small choice of packaged meat, but lots of fresh produce.

I'm still quite comfortable spending all these days at home.  I think I may be getting tired of video and leaning more toward reading.  The days go by very quickly and I don't get the reading done I would like to.

I am feeling no desire to do anymore than the absolutely necessary when it comes to housekeeping.

I am making the effort to keep up my personal hygiene as far as showers, shaving, clean clothes etc.  Since I'm wearing t-shirts and boxers most of the time it's making laundry day petty simple.

One thing I miss is the library.  I finding lots of ebooks to read but there are lot of books I would like to read that are not in ebook format.

Apr 6

Day something over three weeks.

I was out for groceries and a short walk on Saturday morning.  The streets were not too busy and most people were good about distancing, but not everyone, some just couldn't be bothered.  I went to a small store and it wasn't busy which was good.

I wasn't out yesterday but a friend who lives in the building beside mine was and he was amazed at how crowded the streets in the neighbourhood were.  But, it was a Sunday and it was nice weather that felt like spring, and people just naturally want to be outside on a day like that.

I think we may be at a point where the numbers in Toronto are really going to go up for a while (and then, I hope, come down) so I'm going to try and stay in now.  I don't need food but do at times want to get out in the outside air -  that's all, I don't want to go into shops or see anyone. But....

P(S)D Day 19

So, watching video stuff and doing light reading.  I don't seem  to be able to concentrate for long on anything too serious.

It's a lovely day outside but I just feel uncomfortable even going for a walk.  Too many people on the sidewalk and too many of them aren't making an effort to keep well apart.

I'll need to go for groceries at some point - mainly things like bread and fresh vegetables - while I still can.  They're encouraging we over 70's to stay in as much as possible.

I may not even try to get my income tax stuff to the accountant.  I'll just pay whatever fine there is.

Physical (formerly Social) Distancing Day 16

Actually I'm not feeling much of a sense of social distancing.  In normal times I get together with friends for dinner on Saturday or Sunday and usually for the rest of the week I see no one.  Maybe once in two months I will get together with someone for lunch.  So I've only missed dinner out for two weekends so I haven't really felt it.

Yesterday was a rainy morning so I went for a walk thinking there wouldn't be very many people out and that was true.   I stopped at the No Frills and was very pleased that they were limiting the number of people that could be in the store at one time.  They had a guard on duty and tapes on the floor where you lined up six feet apart to wait for someone to leave.  In the store they had similar tapes for the checkout lines.  Most items had at least some stock on the shelves, the fresh produce area was fully stocked but again there was very little meat available.

Social Distancing - Day 14

During this time I have been out for groceries three times and down to the lobby to pick up my mail twice.

There was a repair person in yesterday to replace the smoke detector which had been beeping every few seconds for two weeks.  Fortunately not very loudly and I couldn't hear it in the bedroom.  Unfortunately  it didn't help and the new unit is beeping in the same way.  I'm leaving it as is since even though the repair guy wore an mask and kept well away from me I don't want anyone coming into my unit if I can avoid it.

I'm over 70 so being in the high risk of dying group I'm doing my best to be safe.

I'm not getting much exercise since I'm not getting out for walks as I normally would.  I find there are just too many people (the majority walking dogs) for me to feel that I am comfortably maintaining a two meter separation.

I'm finding lots of video stuff to watch even though I don't have Netflix (yet!).

There's not problem finding reading material between the internet and ebooks.

What would this situation be like if we didn't have the internet?