A Fall

 

I had a fall today, at a friend's house, on the stairs.  I was alone in the house at the time and accidentally brushed against a framed picture on the wall near the top of the stairs and knocked it off - I made a grab for it and I guess my damaged leg didn't support me and I fell, banging my jaw on the top of a, thankfully padded, dining chair and then landing on my side on the floor.  Nothing particularly hurt but I made my self just lie there for a bit and breathe before trying to get up.  I feel ok but I wonder what's going to hurt when I wake up tomorrow!

Looking back it is interesting that as I fell I had such a sense of myself as a human body.  I think most of the time I experience myself as a brain in a head.

Of course right now I feel very aware of myself as being an old/older person and have a strong feeling of being vulnerable.  This is also amplifying my feeling that it may be time for me to move to the senior's independent living place I have been considering, someplace where help would be on site if I needed it.

An Incident of Panic

Late last evening my internet went down.  I pushed the restart button on my modem but that did not fix it so I decided to wait and see if service was restored.

I thought I would use my phone to connect to the web but that wouldn't work, which led me to think it was a major problem with the provider (possibly like the cyberattack on the library last fall).  I realize now that I should have turned off wifi on my phone since that was working and it would continue to try and connect that way as long as it found my wifi signal.   I tried calling both ways from my house to/from my cell phone and that wasn't working.  So I concluded - major problem.

That's when I started going in to distress mode - something that I have found happens so easily as I get older - I just don't have the confidence that I can deal with things the way I did when I was younger.   Now I can understand and sympathize with my parents who seemed to get dithery as they aged - I'm doing the same thing.

Most of my tv access was down - except for the few channels I can pick up with my box antenna, which reminded me to be glad of the DVDs I still own.   I thought of ebooks and looked at my readers and became aware of the number of books I own but hadn't actually downloaded - again a reminder to be grateful for the physical books I still own.

This afternoon I am going to a birthday function out in the west end of the city. I had decided to splurge and take an Uber rather than transit but got panicky when I thought that my cell wasn't working so how was I going to connect with Uber?  I could take transit but I wasn't sure exactly where the house was and didn't know what subway stop to use or bus to take and I didn't have internet access to maps, and I no longer own a paper map of the city.

I decided there was no point going on fussing and went to bed.  But things were on my mind and I woke up this morning with stomach pain ( not unusual when I'm stressed) and took antacids and then an acid blocker - that helped somewhat but I'm still feeling off.

I got up, checked the modem which still showed a red light. I checked my phone and had that moment when I thought to turn off the wifi and was able to connect to the net.  And see that there were no reports of a major outage.  I went to my provider's site and found their auto fix function - that led me through rebooting my modem and then unplugging it (something which really should have occurred to me last night!). Finally my internet was back!  

A lot of fuss and stress but it really shows me just how much I depend on the internet to live my life day to day.  I've written before about my thoughts of moving to an independent living seniors building and this is the sort of happening that makes me feel that that is a good idea.  I live alone, I've never been really good at coping with things, and perhaps it is time to make that move before I get to be even more of a ditherer who can't cope on his own.

Home Expenses

This morning I added up what I pay per month for condo fees, insurance, property taxes and "communication services" (i.e. landline, cell phone and internet), but not food, clothing etc.  

I found that the communication things are a full 20% of the total.  And I don't have cable TV, just Netflix and BritBox (which I did not include in the monthly total).

When I grew up in the 1950s people paid to have a telephone.  

Then cable TV came along.  Then the internet and cell phones.

Yet, in this modern world I cannot imagine not having the internet and my cell phone.  It just seems like a huge part of my necessary expenses.  I pay more for these things that I do property taxes.

Pitch

 

One thing I've come to understand -

as a senior -

when small children emit those high pitched screams -

it cuts through your head like a knife.

Honesty

I moved to Toronto from a small town in 1967.  

I remember in those years when I was attending university that newspapers were left in boxes along the  sidewalks.  You simply picked up a paper and there was a box attached and you put your coins in there to pay.  There were no safeguards, you could cheat if you wanted, but clearly at that time most people paid and whatever loss there was due to cheating didn't require them to change the system.  

I remember being with a friend once who put pennies in to pretend they were paying and I was so disappointed in them. I seem to remember them using some flimsy justification about being a student and needing to watch their spending.  I actually went back later and paid for the paper - that was how my parents raised me, they would have been appalled if I had just let it go.  However, I wasn't brave enough to confront my friend or deposit the coins to pay for the paper in front of them.  But I've never been good at confrontation.

What bought this history to mind was hearing recently about the huge problems stores are having with shoplifting and with people cheating at self-checkouts. 

I'm sure people who do this manage to reason to themselves why it was ok to do it.  I know there have always been people who cheat.  The thing that troubles me is that there seems to be so much of it now, that it seems to be the norm rather than the exception.  That so much effort has to be spent to try and guard against it.

My parents were the sort of people who if, after they got home, found a mistake in their favour on a sales slip would go back to the store and pay the difference.  

April 8, 2024

 

It's almost a month since I've posted here.  

I'm still dealing with leg problems, some things have improved but I'm still not able to walk normally - I get around but it's a bit awkward and tiring.

My sensitive stomach has been bothering, probably because I haven't been paying enough attention to my diet.  And allowing myself too many "treats".

However, the spring flowers are up and buds are appearing on bushes and trees.  One of my favourite times of the year.  At my age you can't help but wonder if this could be your last spring, but that makes you more appreciative of the simple fact of being here to enjoy it this year.

A Visit

 

A very dear friend of mine died around Christmastime.  She was a truly special lovely person and I feel the sadness every time something brings her to mind.

Last night I had a dream in which we were at a backyard bbq, sitting next to each other at a table, and enjoying the day.  Then I realized that she was dead and her being there couldn't be real.  

Then I was lucky enough to think that it didn't matter, to just accept the moment and appreciate this bit of time with her.  I was so happy. 

That feeling was still with me when I woke up.