I'm Not Worse. Or Am I?

I've cancelled trips in recent history, and I avoid dealing with people and situations whenever possible.  I thought for a while that my not liking or avoiding things was getting worse as I aged.  But I've come to realize that I probably don't have any more travel anxiety or social anxiety that I did when I was younger.  

That difference now is that I'm not willing to put the effort in, to extend myself, to deal with the situation.  I don't care as much about the "shoulds", or "it will be good for you", or "you don't want to let yourself miss such and such".  

But no, really, it's also that I don't have the confidence that I can deal with situations.  So maybe it's not just being willing to deal with things, it's a lack of trust in myself to be able to deal with things that might come up.

A Moment

 

Last night as I was just settling in to bed I suddenly felt this wave of contentment.  Not a huge thing, just a sudden and quiet feeling that "it" was all right.  I don't quite know what that "it" was - my life, that evening, just those few moments.  Whatever it was, it was a lovely feeling.  I don't know what brought it on - I'd had a pleasant day (lunch with a friend, a walk in the nice weather) but nothing really unusual-  but whatever it was, it was special and I'm really grateful for it.

Effort, and Time

Lately I am really feeling like an old man.  I'm finding just doing basic physical things like putting groceries away or washing up dishes or making the bed seem to be so tiring.  It's not that I can't do them but the effort required seems to be so much more.  Those are little things.  Bigger chores like vacuuming or washing floors or scrubbing the bath tub feel like they're right on the edge of what I'm physically able to manage.  Certainly if for some reason I need to get down on my hands and knees to clean something or reach under something it''s become a major production both getting down and getting back up - I can do it, but it's hard.  

The other thing I'm finding is that things seem to take up so much more time than they used to.   Just getting myself washed up, shaven and dressed to leave home seems to take far far longer than it reasonably should.    

There is also more personal maintenance to do.  I have a whole set of things to do to my teeth before bed to protect my gum and tooth health - no more just a brushing and off to bed.  Eye drops for glaucoma.  Dry mouth.  Dry eyes.  Dry nose.  All things that require some kind of action.

Plus medical appointments.  More maintenance.  Ophthalmologist, cardiologist. family doctor.  My dental checkups have moved from every six months to every four.

So far I'm managing to keep up with the computer world. More or less.  But all the things I do on the computer -banking, medical appointments, taxes etc - do not come naturally, they require thought and effort.   It's a battle I may be slowly losing - I'm not using my phone like the young people do, I'm still using credit cards and a transit card.  Old age again, finding innovation challenging and tiring.

One thing I feel very guilty about is my unwillingness to invest time in serious reading.  I've always been a reader but of late if I find a book challenging or very long I just don't make the effort to keep at it.  I turn to something lighter and fun.  I find that sad since it's something that was a big part of my life which I'm letting go of.

And music.  This surprises me.  Classical music was always a part of my life, and if I hear something classical I still find it beautiful and think to myself that I should listen to music more.  But day to day I don't turn anything on.  There's a whole world of classical and other music available to me at the touch of a button but I just don't seem to have the time or energy to take advantage of it.

A So-So Holiday Season

 

There were good times over Christmas and New Year's but for me this year I just did not feel the enthusiasm I normally do.  It's a time of year I have always really enjoyed.

This year it was marred by the sudden death of a friend of more than forty years the week before Christmas.  This is not the first longterm friend I have lost, and not the first I have lost at Christmas, but it doesn't get easier with repetition.

I did put up my Christmas decorations (not that I have many), and I did watch my usual favoured Christmas movies:

The Holly and the Ivy, Scrooge (with Alistair Sim). Christmas in Connecticut, The Bishop's Wife (with Loretta Young, Cary Grant, David Niven), It's a Wonderful Life, The Family Stone,  The Family Man, Auntie Mame (Rosalind Russell), some newer gay romance things, the original Black Christmas from 1974, and on Tubi some fun Slasher-Santa flicks.

I did get together with people several times, and had a lovely Christmas dinner with good friends.

But I don't think it's just me.  In the buildings around mine I saw far fewer windows lit up with Christmas lights.  The same was true when I was out visiting in more residential neighbourhoods.  

I sent Christmas cards as usual but got far fewer back than in the past.  I know part of that is due to the 2024 postal strike - many people didn't send cards last year because of that and have told me that they decided to just stop sending them at all.  At most they send an ecard.

Or maybe it's that people are just worn-down with the things going on in the world at large.

Drinking

 

It's possible to not have a problem with alcohol in the addiction sense but still have a problem with alcohol in the "you're a total asshole when you drink and it's unpleasant to be around you" sense.

Speaking of a friend.

Memoirs

 Like many people, as I get older I wish I had asked more questions about the lives of people in my life when I was younger.   I wish I had asked my parents, who did tell me stories about their lives and the times they lived through, a lot more than I did.

I wish I had asked my grandmothers (I had no living grandfather) about their history, I wish I had asked my father's sisters more about our family history.

Which brings me to the point of this entry.   One woman I worked with years ago had been in the Resistance during the second world war and told me it had been the most vivid time in her life.   Although her family weren't particularly interested in her life she decided to write a memoir about her life so that her story would be available to them if they developed an interest in the future after she was gone.  

I now see what a terrific thing that was to do.  They might never be interested but as long as someone cares enough to take care of her writings it will be there for her descendants.

I have no family left, no children or nieces or nephews so there's no one to leave any writings behind for.  This blog is as close as I'll get to leaving a record.  It will be around for a while but I assume after enough time passes Google will delete it.

Which leads me to a question.  How much do I want to reveal here?  There as things in my life, not horrible darks secrets, no crimes or anything, but personal things that I have never revealed to another soul.  Do I want to write about them anonymously here so that at least they've been "told" and are in a small way a part of the world, or do I want to keep them to myself and let them die with me?

Autumn 2025

 The weather the last two months has been unusually warm for the time of year - as though summer continued far longer than normal.  The weather has cooled off now and feels more like it should at this time of year but the leaves now seem to be changing colour and falling very quickly.  Almost like they're making up for lost time.  Autumn is my favourite time of year and I feel like I'm being cheated a bit - that there's not going to be a lot of lovely cool weather before the trees are all bare and we're having winter temperatures.

I do like winter.  It's a vast improvement over hot humid summer weather.  But autumn weather is perfect.

So I remind myself to enjoy each autumn day that happens.  I'm of an age where I find myself wondering at times if this will be my last autumn or my last year.  Or even my last day.  That's not a bad thing,  It's doesn't hurt to focus on the "now" and appreciate it.