A Fall

 

I had a fall today, at a friend's house, on the stairs.  I was alone in the house at the time and accidentally brushed against a framed picture on the wall near the top of the stairs and knocked it off - I made a grab for it and I guess my damaged leg didn't support me and I fell, banging my jaw on the top of a, thankfully padded, dining chair and then landing on my side on the floor.  Nothing particularly hurt but I made my self just lie there for a bit and breathe before trying to get up.  I feel ok but I wonder what's going to hurt when I wake up tomorrow!

Looking back it is interesting that as I fell I had such a sense of myself as a human body.  I think most of the time I experience myself as a brain in a head.

Of course right now I feel very aware of myself as being an old/older person and have a strong feeling of being vulnerable.  This is also amplifying my feeling that it may be time for me to move to the senior's independent living place I have been considering, someplace where help would be on site if I needed it.

An Incident of Panic

Late last evening my internet went down.  I pushed the restart button on my modem but that did not fix it so I decided to wait and see if service was restored.

I thought I would use my phone to connect to the web but that wouldn't work, which led me to think it was a major problem with the provider (possibly like the cyberattack on the library last fall).  I realize now that I should have turned off wifi on my phone since that was working and it would continue to try and connect that way as long as it found my wifi signal.   I tried calling both ways from my house to/from my cell phone and that wasn't working.  So I concluded - major problem.

That's when I started going in to distress mode - something that I have found happens so easily as I get older - I just don't have the confidence that I can deal with things the way I did when I was younger.   Now I can understand and sympathize with my parents who seemed to get dithery as they aged - I'm doing the same thing.

Most of my tv access was down - except for the few channels I can pick up with my box antenna, which reminded me to be glad of the DVDs I still own.   I thought of ebooks and looked at my readers and became aware of the number of books I own but hadn't actually downloaded - again a reminder to be grateful for the physical books I still own.

This afternoon I am going to a birthday function out in the west end of the city. I had decided to splurge and take an Uber rather than transit but got panicky when I thought that my cell wasn't working so how was I going to connect with Uber?  I could take transit but I wasn't sure exactly where the house was and didn't know what subway stop to use or bus to take and I didn't have internet access to maps, and I no longer own a paper map of the city.

I decided there was no point going on fussing and went to bed.  But things were on my mind and I woke up this morning with stomach pain ( not unusual when I'm stressed) and took antacids and then an acid blocker - that helped somewhat but I'm still feeling off.

I got up, checked the modem which still showed a red light. I checked my phone and had that moment when I thought to turn off the wifi and was able to connect to the net.  And see that there were no reports of a major outage.  I went to my provider's site and found their auto fix function - that led me through rebooting my modem and then unplugging it (something which really should have occurred to me last night!). Finally my internet was back!  

A lot of fuss and stress but it really shows me just how much I depend on the internet to live my life day to day.  I've written before about my thoughts of moving to an independent living seniors building and this is the sort of happening that makes me feel that that is a good idea.  I live alone, I've never been really good at coping with things, and perhaps it is time to make that move before I get to be even more of a ditherer who can't cope on his own.

Home Expenses

This morning I added up what I pay per month for condo fees, insurance, property taxes and "communication services" (i.e. landline, cell phone and internet), but not food, clothing etc.  

I found that the communication things are a full 20% of the total.  And I don't have cable TV, just Netflix and BritBox (which I did not include in the monthly total).

When I grew up in the 1950s people paid to have a telephone.  

Then cable TV came along.  Then the internet and cell phones.

Yet, in this modern world I cannot imagine not having the internet and my cell phone.  It just seems like a huge part of my necessary expenses.  I pay more for these things that I do property taxes.

Pitch

 

One thing I've come to understand -

as a senior -

when small children emit those high pitched screams -

it cuts through your head like a knife.

Honesty

I moved to Toronto from a small town in 1967.  

I remember in those years when I was attending university that newspapers were left in boxes along the  sidewalks.  You simply picked up a paper and there was a box attached and you put your coins in there to pay.  There were no safeguards, you could cheat if you wanted, but clearly at that time most people paid and whatever loss there was due to cheating didn't require them to change the system.  

I remember being with a friend once who put pennies in to pretend they were paying and I was so disappointed in them. I seem to remember them using some flimsy justification about being a student and needing to watch their spending.  I actually went back later and paid for the paper - that was how my parents raised me, they would have been appalled if I had just let it go.  However, I wasn't brave enough to confront my friend or deposit the coins to pay for the paper in front of them.  But I've never been good at confrontation.

What bought this history to mind was hearing recently about the huge problems stores are having with shoplifting and with people cheating at self-checkouts. 

I'm sure people who do this manage to reason to themselves why it was ok to do it.  I know there have always been people who cheat.  The thing that troubles me is that there seems to be so much of it now, that it seems to be the norm rather than the exception.  That so much effort has to be spent to try and guard against it.

My parents were the sort of people who if, after they got home, found a mistake in their favour on a sales slip would go back to the store and pay the difference.  

April 8, 2024

 

It's almost a month since I've posted here.  

I'm still dealing with leg problems, some things have improved but I'm still not able to walk normally - I get around but it's a bit awkward and tiring.

My sensitive stomach has been bothering, probably because I haven't been paying enough attention to my diet.  And allowing myself too many "treats".

However, the spring flowers are up and buds are appearing on bushes and trees.  One of my favourite times of the year.  At my age you can't help but wonder if this could be your last spring, but that makes you more appreciative of the simple fact of being here to enjoy it this year.

A Visit

 

A very dear friend of mine died around Christmastime.  She was a truly special lovely person and I feel the sadness every time something brings her to mind.

Last night I had a dream in which we were at a backyard bbq, sitting next to each other at a table, and enjoying the day.  Then I realized that she was dead and her being there couldn't be real.  

Then I was lucky enough to think that it didn't matter, to just accept the moment and appreciate this bit of time with her.  I was so happy. 

That feeling was still with me when I woke up.

Movie: Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

 

Action and effects aside what I want to say about this movie has to do with the characters.

Raiders of the Lost Ark was a wonderful movie. Fresh, new, bright, charming. I rewatched it recently and it has held up well.  The match between Karen Allen and Harrison Ford was brilliant - they made a great screen team.

Temple of Doom was also really good.  Kate Capshaw was great.  Karen Allen was missing but Capshaw was a strong enough performer to carry us along.

The Last Crusade.  The match here was between Ford and Sean Connery.  Alison Doody wasn't given much to work with and didn't have much of a chance against the chemistry between Ford and Connery, not to mention Denholm Elliott.   

The Cyrstal Skull.  Lots of familiar action here, not a great plot. Even Cate Blanchett, while fun, wasn't exactly riveting.  But Karen Allen was back and the Indy-Marian chemistry saved the film.  We had missed her in the two previous films without necessarily even being aware of it.

The Dial of Destiny.  Films 2,3 and 4 had references to bits of business in the films that came before them but this film was just too full of them.  Lots and lots of action.  Lots and lots.  Lots.  Some of the quiet in-between scenes were quite effective.  I like Phoebe Waller-Bridge but there was a lack of chemistry between her and Ford.  I've read that Karen Allen was ready to do this film but somehow "they" decided not to use her except for a small bit at the end.  What a mistake.  It was so satisfying seeing Marian and Indy together at the end of Crystal Skull.  All that energy was there to use in this film and someone decided to squander it.  The couple of minutes of Indy and Marian at the very end was the highlight of the whole film.  By not teaming them for the film a huge opportunity was lost.

Dubbing and Subtitles

 

I almost always have subtitles turned on when I watch things.  I find I miss dialogue - people talk too quickly, they mumble, the soundtrack is too loud, they have an accent I'm not competent at interpreting, and of course I'm old and my hearing is no doubt not what it was.  It's not just a matter of turning the sound up since that doesn't help with mumbling or very low voices and I don't like it too loud, nor do I want to disturb my neighbours.  (I have always had some problems with hearing people in real life, not that I can't hear the sound, but somethings I can't distinguish the words. Especially if there is background noise or other conversations going on.)

Usually if something not in English I watch with English subtitles and the original language. Sometimes the voices they use for dubbing are so totally incongruous with the actors real voice, and with the emotion shown by the original actor.  There are of course many levels of competence in dubbing and often I just try to avoid watching peoples' mouths.  

Occasionally I watch with both subtitles and dubbing in English.  With some shows it is amazing how much discrepancy there is between the two.  It can be minor but sometimes  it's like there are two entirely different versions of the dialogue.  Sometimes it's like there are two entirely different plots.

Boundaries

 

My drop foot is slowly improving but I'm still walking with a limp, which is very tiring and I find it has limited how far I can walk.  I find there are places and stores that are usually part of my daily walks that I just can't/don't get to.  

I am aware that my world has shrunken down over the last years and the physical area of the city I am normally active in has become limited. This is something that I think is generally true for people as they move into old age.  Your world in many ways, not just physically, becomes smaller.  Some of that, yes, is physical, but it's also psychological.  I feel less and less like part of the current world.  I find myself unable to really relate to a lot of TV and movies.  

I also have a sense of "my world" dying out.  Friends die, people that I grew up watching on tv and in movies die, authors that I admired die.  That feels like the world I lived in disappearing and leaves me with a sense of being in line to go.  And of not being a part of the world anymore but living apart from it, almost as an observer.

So I am hoping that the drop foot clears and that I can, at least for a while longer, get my physical walking area back to its familiar boundaries .

Vulnerable

 

My "drop foot" is slowly improving and while I still limp when walking it is less pronounced.  Walking in the outside world I get frustrated because it slows me down and I get tired quickly.  I can also feel a bit of strain in my right hip and I don't want that to become another problem.

I've been given some gentle exercises to do and told to keep my spine as straight as I can - don't bend over when brushing my teeth, sit up straight in chairs.  My home needs a good vacuuming, dusting and the floors mopped but I'm basically afraid of the lifting and moving that involves -  I don't want to make things worse or have a relapse.

I'm wondering if maybe the time has come when I can't go on doing my own housework.  

I'm feeling very vulnerable.  This situation has made me so aware of how little it would take for me to not be able to manage living on my own anymore.  At the same time I have to admit that I am in many ways tired of managing on my own.  I have many minor home repairs that should be done but avoid doing anything about them as long as I can find a way around them.  

I have two friends who have moved into an independent-living seniors apartment building and are very happy.  I am very attracted to the idea of not being responsible for minor repairs or replacing/repairing aging appliances, or getting the ducts cleaned or the heat/cool unit serviced.  Also having staff available if I should need medical assistance.   (Or am I just lazy?)

I am also a little hesitant about giving up owning my own place and going back to being a tenant. Yet as I type that I feel a little happy twinge at the thought of not owning.

February 16, 2024

 

RIP  Alexei Navalny

Human Kindness

 

I had a sciatica incident recently and it has cleared but left me with "foot drop".  My doctor thinks that will clear up on its own but in the meantime I'm left walking with a limp and finding myself easily off balance.

What I have noticed when I'm out walking is that people seem at times to go out of their way to make navigating the world more difficult for me.  I've had people brush past me (which throws my balance off) I assume because I'm moving too slowly. I've had a woman refuse to move over even an inch on the sidewalk and actually bump into me on purpose (when I was already at the very edge and could move no further out the way).  I had a woman, when I was obviously struggling with my balance, come straight at me with her baby stroller clearly with no intention of slowing down or changing her path.

There have been people who have stopped and held a door open for me, but overall it's pretty hostile out there to someone who isn't at 100%.

Books, ebooks and minimalism

I have been living a minimalist life, downsizing and trying to keep possessions to a minimum since the 1990s.

Lately I've been thinking about books, keeping them or letting them go.

Mostly I don't regret clearing out the majority of my books but I've realized that there is justification for keeping books that you've read.  If you have a physical copy of a book you can check back to remind yourself of the content and particularly of the ending.  Just having it there provides an awareness of what is was about, what it meant to you.  I mainly buy ebooks now and they are always there but it's not the same as having them on a shelf.  I find at times when I'm opening an ebook that I will look at what I've recently read and it's like I remember it but I have in a way forgotten about reading it.  A book on a shelf keeps you aware that you've read it.

So one of the things in life with contradictory feelings connected to it.  I like having books around but I don't like clutter or owning a lot of things.

Food. (Jan 19/24)

 

I'm old.    I live alone.   I have digestive issues.

I have never liked cooking and nowadays it just feels like so much effort and mess.

The list of food items that I can no longer eat is very long:  peppers, onions, cucumbers, spices of any kind, some herbs, tomato sauce, anything really greasy...

There are lots of frozen entree type things available but they generally add things for flavouring or colour (spices, garlic, onions, peppers, etc) which means I can't eat them.  Not to forget the generally huge salt and fat content.  Also, the portion size is ridiculously small.

The reason I started this post was that I was thinking about bologna and wieners.  These are foods that I now get terrible ingestion from and of course fat, salt, spices.  But I have always loved them and it would be wonderful if I could just rely on bologna and hot dogs as my meat consumption. I'd be happy to eat them six days a week.  Or some weeks, seven.

I now mainly buy ground meat in large packages.  I fry that up and remove as much grease as I can and then divide it into portions for the freezer.  

Lately I seem to have turned against vegetables which is a surprise because I've always like them in the past.  I eat them because they're "good for me" but I don't like them.  I find now the best way to manage them is to use a packet of instant broth (of course, again, salt) and cook them as soup.

I've written before about my dislike for brown rice and brown bread.  I recently tried whole wheat bread again and ended up throwing half the loaf out.

Have I written all this before?  I wonder.  This blog has been around for a long time and I don't know when I last looked back at any of it