Boundaries

 

My drop foot is slowly improving but I'm still walking with a limp, which is very tiring and I find it has limited how far I can walk.  I find there are places and stores that are usually part of my daily walks that I just can't/don't get to.  

I am aware that my world has shrunken down over the last years and the physical area of the city I am normally active in has become limited. This is something that I think is generally true for people as they move into old age.  Your world in many ways, not just physically, becomes smaller.  Some of that, yes, is physical, but it's also psychological.  I feel less and less like part of the current world.  I find myself unable to really relate to a lot of TV and movies.  

I also have a sense of "my world" dying out.  Friends die, people that I grew up watching on tv and in movies die, authors that I admired die.  That feels like the world I lived in disappearing and leaves me with a sense of being in line to go.  And of not being a part of the world anymore but living apart from it, almost as an observer.

So I am hoping that the drop foot clears and that I can, at least for a while longer, get my physical walking area back to its familiar boundaries .

Vulnerable

 

My "drop foot" is slowly improving and while I still limp when walking it is less pronounced.  Walking in the outside world I get frustrated because it slows me down and I get tired quickly.  I can also feel a bit of strain in my right hip and I don't want that to become another problem.

I've been given some gentle exercises to do and told to keep my spine as straight as I can - don't bend over when brushing my teeth, sit up straight in chairs.  My home needs a good vacuuming, dusting and the floors mopped but I'm basically afraid of the lifting and moving that involves -  I don't want to make things worse or have a relapse.

I'm wondering if maybe the time has come when I can't go on doing my own housework.  

I'm feeling very vulnerable.  This situation has made me so aware of how little it would take for me to not be able to manage living on my own anymore.  At the same time I have to admit that I am in many ways tired of managing on my own.  I have many minor home repairs that should be done but avoid doing anything about them as long as I can find a way around them.  

I have two friends who have moved into an independent-living seniors apartment building and are very happy.  I am very attracted to the idea of not being responsible for minor repairs or replacing/repairing aging appliances, or getting the ducts cleaned or the heat/cool unit serviced.  Also having staff available if I should need medical assistance.   (Or am I just lazy?)

I am also a little hesitant about giving up owning my own place and going back to being a tenant. Yet as I type that I feel a little happy twinge at the thought of not owning.

February 16, 2024

 

RIP  Alexei Navalny

Human Kindness

 

I had a sciatica incident recently and it has cleared but left me with "foot drop".  My doctor thinks that will clear up on its own but in the meantime I'm left walking with a limp and finding myself easily off balance.

What I have noticed when I'm out walking is that people seem at times to go out of their way to make navigating the world more difficult for me.  I've had people brush past me (which throws my balance off) I assume because I'm moving too slowly. I've had a woman refuse to move over even an inch on the sidewalk and actually bump into me on purpose (when I was already at the very edge and could move no further out the way).  I had a woman, when I was obviously struggling with my balance, come straight at me with her baby stroller clearly with no intention of slowing down or changing her path.

There have been people who have stopped and held a door open for me, but overall it's pretty hostile out there to someone who isn't at 100%.