Movie: Lazy Eye (2016)

Just a lovely low-budget (I assume) independent (I assume) film about two grown-up gay men.  No melodrama, no hysterics.

Everything was done well - acting, directing, writing, camera.

10 out of 10

Confession

I confess.

I'm not particularly unhappy about social isolation.  It is 14 weeks today since I saw a friend in person and I'm enjoying having this time completely to myself.

It's not that I don't like my friends or that I never want to see them again.  I'm an introvert and I have always enjoyed time on my own and this long run of it has been pretty wonderful.

One thing I have found is that not going out to restaurants and preparing almost all my own food has led to very few problems with my usually very touchy gut.

I also have not been drinking at all.

Usually getting together with friends involves drinks and meals and I always have problems trying to find plain food on restaurant menus.  I usually have one drink while others have several and then they have wine with their meal so by the end of the evening I'm sober and they're not and I'm stuck listing to their under the influence conversation.  And often I'm left with just water while they're "sipping" their last glass of wine for what feels like hours.

I'm never really comfortable being out in the world surrounded by people.  It's always such a relief to get home.  

So while I would never wish a pandemic on the world for me a least there's an upside.

Neither a Borrower or Lender Be

I am in most ways a minimalist.  Possessions and design.  Including travel and "experiences" - I read so many things about people being minimalists so they can travel - that's fine but I think travel can be overdone too.

But that's not what I started out to write about.

Another thing I see minimalists saying is to borrow things rather than buy them.   That can work between some people but in my experience things that I have lent to others have generally never been returned.  Including one case in which a "friend" borrowed a very expensive almost new item and then immediately cut off all contact with me and never returned it.  

Or things are returned damaged or showing great signs of wear and tear.

Nor am I perfect.  I recall once being asked by a friend to return something they said I had borrowed quite a while before.  I swore to them that I didn't have it and in fact had never borrowed it - and I was being totally honest, I had no memory of it at all.  Then months later I was looking for something and came across the item.  I returned the item and made an abject apology both for keeping it so long and for having forgotten it and denied borrowing it and for not making an immediate effort to look for it when they asked.  That was all well but the friendship was never the same and eventually ended.

When I still had many many books I used to hate it when people would even look at my bookshelves because it would so often lead to a request to "borrow" and "I always return books I borrow".  I often wished I could have a separate room where I could lock the door and never let anyone in.  Now I have very few books which of course means they have been selected for their personal meaning to me so they are even more valuable to me.  I keep them on the bottom two shelves of bookcase in the bedroom and no one recently has made the effort to bend down to check them out.

I try to use my own things or make do or buy what I need.  If I do borrow something I am very careful with it and return it as soon as possible.  I'm just not comfortable being a borrower or a lender.

June 18

As a project during distancing I have been working my way through my CD collection, listening to one a day.  I estimate there are 150-200 of them.

I used to listen to music all the time.  If I wasn't watching TV there was usually classical music playing although most of my CD's are cabaret singers.  Now I find I rarely have music on and there are times when I find it totally annoying.

Now I mainly have white noise or drone type things on to try block out the background noises created by my thoughtless neighbours.

Listening so far I've found that some are much as I remember, some I find awful and I may discard them, and some are far better.

As I do this I wonder if this will be the last time I ever listen to many of them.

I don't regret buying them because at the time they meant something to me and I enjoyed them.

TV: 13 Reasons Why

The storylines were of course pretty unbelievable but the characters were what caught my attention and what kept me watching through 4 seasons, even though after each season ended I said I wouldn't watch the next.

The final episode had me sobbing.  It certainly worked dramatically and yes, life is often unfair and I suppose that was the purpose of doing what they did.  But still...

Someone once asked me if I believed in reincarnation and I said I hoped not since that would mean I'd have to go through high school again.

And.  The very final scene was prefect.

June 8 ,2020

So, week three and they're still doing damn renovations.  Today it's been on and off but when it's on it sounds like they're trying to drill through my walls.

I can't complain to my friends about the noise because they're all sick of hearing me complain about noise.

I know that I'm hypersensitive to noise but knowing that does not mean that it upsets me any less when I'm forced to be exposed to it.   I also know there's nothing I can do about it and there's no place I can go except death to be free of it, but again, doesn't mean it bothers me any less.

I went for a walk to be away from it for a bit.  I walked as much as I could where there was greenery and it was so wonderful to be near trees, but I couldn't stop and just sit because -- pandemic, people.

I returned the items I had out from the library but I won't be borrowing anything physical for the duration.  There are lots of ebooks available and I have Netflix now.

I stopped and got takeout fish+chips on the way home, the first time I've had takeout since lockdown started.  It was "white fish" and there was something about the texture that I just didn't like and I ended up eating the batter but discarding the fish.  The fries were OK and the cole slaw was delicious.  My stomach problems have been much reduced during the last 12 weeks when I've been relying on my own meal preparation.

In all honestly I'm not missing seeing people much at all.  I'm in touch with friends but I find too many and too long phone calls annoying.  With email and social media I have more control over when and how much time I spend with "others".