Wednesday, July 26, 2017
I haven't been wearing shorts much this summer because I'm conscious of signs of aging on my legs. Veins, bald patches, sagging flesh around the knees. Normal aging. So I've been hesitant to show them. (Also, I try to avoid the sun for health reasons.) But it means I'm often warmer than I need to be.
But I've been noticing other old people and they're going ahead and wearing shorts and t-shirts that show the sagging flesh underneath and I've come to to realize that it doesn't matter. That's what aging involves. That's how it looks, and why shouldn't we old people wear what feels comfortable.
I've been a young person and know how critical the young can be of the old. And I understand it might be uncomfortable for them to look upon old bodies because some part of them knows that that's where they are headed no matter how much they avoid facing it.
It happens to us all if we're lucky enough to live into old age.
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
It's really important to keep the daily shower thing going.
Many days it would be easy to say that I had a shower yesterday and I haven't done anything to make me sweaty so I can leave it until tomorrow.
But the danger there is that leaving it until tomorrow can lead to leaving it until another tomorrow.
And that's how old men end up smelling.
Monday, July 24, 2017
I've made an effort this spring and summer to buy a few new items of clothing.
But I'm finding that, even though I spend time in the store trying things on and thinking about when I can wear an item and what it will match etc. etc., I'm not wearing them. I don't seem to like them.
Perhaps I just need to make more of an effort to wear them until I get used to them.
One big problem is that I don't really like fashions now. I've never liked tight form-fitting clothing and of course that is what's being marketed for men now. Narrow pants, low-rise (which I hate to wear or to look at on others), tight shirts with very short tight sleeves, soft fabrics which show every imperfection in your body.
If I like an item of clothing I tend to wear it until it literally falls apart. I wear faded and frayed things regularly.
There seems to be so much choice when you look around in a store, but really most of it is just variations on whatever narrow choice of styles some "fashion expert" has decided is "in" this year, and no doubt what will cause many people to buy whole new wardrobes just in order to be in style.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
I'm a little worried about the amount of time I spend on my own.
It's not that I mind doing that, I'm quite happy being alone. But since I'm a retired person I don't have the regular impetus of a job to get me out of the house. I quite happily go for days without leaving my condo. I think what is worrying me a bit is that the number of days I do that is increasing, and the number of days in a row that I do that is also increasing.
It's worse in the summer of course since my body does not respond well to hot and/or humid weather and I feel pretty miserable physically if I have to spend time exposed to it.
Fortunately I have a small group of friends who, in some combination, get together to go out to dinner every Saturday (or sometimes Friday or Sunday) evening. I'm actually the only one in the group who almost always is available to do that.
But there's no one in my life whom I would just call up on the spur of the moment and suggest a movie or a lunch. No one I just hang out with, or go for a walk with or window shopping with. If I go to lunch it's something that is planned well ahead. There's no one I go to movies with. Actually, I never go to movies anymore - I sometimes look at the listings but don't find anything I want to see. And it would mean going out and sitting in a theatre with strangers.
I've thought of volunteering but everything seems to involve working with people. Which is a strange comment because the reason I consider volunteering is to get out amongst people more!
One thing I am totally sure of is that I have no interest in any way of forming a romantic relationship with anyone.
Sunday, July 16, 2017
I am generally very happy living by myself and spending most of my time alone.
Yet I do look forward to getting together with friends (unless it is a large group thing). But often when I've been with them for a while I find myself longing to get away from them and be on my own again. I probably don't cover that up as well as I hope I do.
I appreciate that people still deal with me at all. I must be a real pain in the ass a lot of the time.
It's not intentional.
I drink when I'm out for the evening because:
1) I think it will make me more sociable
2) I'm bored. (Approach/avoidance -- I want to be with people/I want to be alone.)
It might be better if I stopped drinking.
Saturday, July 15, 2017
I hate hot and/or hot and humid weather.
I barely leave my home on hot days in the summer.
But then I don't like leaving home at the best of times.
Aside from the weather I find people really annoying. I also find the world a threatening place.
I often hate my home because of noisy neighbours.
I'm not a very happy person I guess.
I have no idea what could make any of this any better.
Friday, July 14, 2017
I've tried writing short stories over the last few months.
They all seem to come out as revenge fantasies.
Not revenge about things in my life, but the main character always seems to end up, in some form, avenging himself/herself on the people in his/her life.
This has to be about me and things I'm not acknowledging about my life.