Journaling.


I kept a journal for years, hundreds and hundreds of pages written by hand.  
I mostly enjoyed doing it but I began to be really uncomfortable with the thought that someone else might read it - by finding it - or after my death, even if I left specific instructions for it to be destroyed unread - and I knew I did not want that.  That also began to inhibit my writing because I was always conscious of that "someone" who might someday read it.

So about ten years ago I stopped, re-read ALL those pages and then shredded everything.


The great thing about writing a journal is expressing what you truly think and feel at that moment.
For me it is that expression that is so valuable.  

I don't think there is ever anyone in our lives that we can tell everything to.  We may think there is but I know from bitter experience that that is never true.  Not spouses, or parents or siblings or best friends.

And sometimes the things I'm struggling with, that I want/need to open up about and consider, are things that anyone else is going to find boring and stupid.

Sometimes just writing it down is a way of letting go of it.


So I have started what I think of as temporary journaling.  I sit down with a pen and paper and write whatever I want.   Then I read it over.   Then I shred it.

Home ownership.


There's "Pride of Ownership"

but there's also

"Pain of Ownership".



I think "Pain" is winning out over "Pride".

Being dependent on someone an be a scary situation.


It's comfortable and it can feel safe.


It's easy to fall into.


But it can be hard to live with.


And even harder to get out of.

When you're not afraid of being alone,



-seriously alone-



it gives you tremendous amounts of

power,

and freedom.

When I was in kindergarten I did a painting that I was really proud of.
It won a prize.
But I didn't get my painting back.



When I was a little older I did a painting at home that my father really liked.
He took it and kept it.



Lesson?

If you do something good it will be taken away from you.

I don't want "hint of garlic" mashed potatoes.

I want mashed potatoes.

Jeez.

I have such contempt for the fashion industry.


Like so many others its main purpose is to convince people to buy more and new and discard the old.


What is wrong with wearing clothes out?
Wouldn't that be better for the environment?


Why should it be considered some horrible faux pas to wear last year's fashion.
(Why is there even such a thing as "last year's fashion"?)


Why can't I find a colour of sweater to match the panst/shirt I bought last year?


With all the "choice" that the fashion industry claims they offer why is it so hard, or even impossible, for me to find the simple classic clothing that I like?


What the hell real difference can it possibly make what width your tie is?
If fashion really is about expressing yourself then having people wear many different widths of tie should be a desirable thing.


The sad thing is that trying to be "in" and "fashionable" is one of the biggest acts of conformity that one can commit.